Believe It Or Not: Feeling Sorry for Your Self is a Good Thing

“I don’t want to feel sorry for myself.” I so often hear clients tell me, when they are sad, discouraged or hurt. If they have sorrow for themselves, they will often next feel guilt or shame. Sometimes they will go on to have absolute contempt for themselves and call their sorrow for themselves having a “pity-party.”

When I ask them how they would feel if the same thing happened to a friend or a child who was hurt, sad, discouraged or distressed, there are two general responses.  Some people would feel compassion for the friend or child, but would feel guilty for feeling compassion for themselves. Anything ’selfish’ is bad for themselves. They apply kinder rules to others.

Other people would condemn the friend or child for feeling sorry. They judge the friend as selfish and negative. They also believe that acknowledging feelings “doesn’t do any good.” These people apply the same harsh rule to others that they apply to themselves.

So many limiting beliefs are embedded in the desire not to feel sorrow for oneself. Some of the beliefs may be:
1. It is “weak” to accept or have kind feelings towards a person not in a “powerful” state or feeling. “Vulnerability” is bad.
2. If one doesn’t condemn the vulnerable feelings, they will grow and grow. (The “Spare the rod, spoil the child” mentality.)
3. One may get “stuck” in the shameful feelings.
4. One will not be able to feel powerful again.
5. One is being “negative” and therefore “bad.”

But the irony is that anytime we condemn ourselves for how we are feeling, that is when we are weakening ourselves. The way to ’strength’ is to validate ourselves for how we are feeling. The root of the word ‘validate’ means to strengthen. To in-validate is to weaken.

To validate ourselves, we need to let ourselves know that it makes sense to feel however we feel. We need to let ourselves know that we can understand ourselves. This may take as little as a few seconds.

THEN, and only then, can we work at shifting and improving our state of mind.

There are so many ways we can work at regulating and adjusting our feelings. But shaming ourselves for how we feel only makes it take longer. So I say, have compassion for yourself. By all means work towards joy and zest.

I believe that in the words of the song, “There’s A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” So when you are feeling sad, first feel sorry for yourself.

Stepping Out of Feeling/Shame Binds

Did you play cowboys & Indians or cops & robbers games when you were a kid? The kids in my neighborhood did. Somebody was always the “Loser” who then got his/her hands or feet tied up,” with great gusto by the “Winner.”

The binding by the rope is intended to cause partial paralysis, and a feeling of helplessness. That’s the way shame binds work. Shame makes us feel not only defective, but inhibited. Bound up inside and unable to move forward.

We can experience this bind which can prevent us from acting upon, or expressing:

• Feelings (anger, love, fear, joy, sadness, etc.)
• Drives (hunger, thirst, intimacy)
• Needs (Including: survival, safety, touching, attention, validation, guidance, listening, being authentic, participating, acceptance-belonging, growing through grieving, support, loyalty & trust, accomplishment, creativity, making a contribution, sexuality, fun, freedom, nurturing, unconditional love)

A common feeling/shame bind can occur when an authority figure hurts our feelings. We may understandably feel anger-which quickly changes or is covered over by feeling shame. Then too, we may become afraid and confused. All of these feelings swirling around may make us feel overwhelmed and we may think we are losing control, so we quickly try to suppress the feelings. The suppression then makes us numb.

We may become dysfunctional while this is happening and for several minutes afterward. Then we may become further shamed by feeling so dysfunctional. Even worse it’s in front of the other person.

Here is one 40 year old computer programmer’s description of her process.

“Last week I went to visit my father and within 5 minutes of arriving he started joking about my job. “Here’s the Big Shot Geek Squad.” I felt confused, anxious, angry and helpless- as if I were 5 years old! I hung my head and went numb and wanted to go to my old room to get away. How hatefully familiar that all felt!

“Thankfully, I was able to use what I’ve been learning here. Number one, I was able to observe what was happening. Then, I started taking slow deep breaths, the way we have practiced, to calm and clear up the confusion. Then I stood up and moved around the den. The simple act of moving- not allowing myself to be bound physically really helped. I went for my purse and dug out my car keys, reminding myself that I don’t have to stay in his presence. I’m big now. I can get away- something I couldn’t do when I was 5.

“Next time, if he- when he- does the same thing, I’ll set limits with him. I’ll tell him, “I don’t like it when you joke about my career that way, and if you keep doing it, I won’t visit you anymore.” Boy, does that feel powerful!”

To summarize the steps she took to break out of the bind:

• She observed what was happening, both his behavior, and her feelings
• She practiced controlled breathing
• She moved around the room
• She comforted herself with self-talk that reminded her that she could get away now- with a concrete physical object
• She started setting boundaries on his behavior

You don’t have to stay stuck in the shame quagmire. It takes work, but Freedom is available.