What Good Does Talking About It Do?

When we talk, we have to access the word-based “thinking” part of our brain. That in itself helps down regulate (reduce) our distressing feelings. Shame is one of those painful feelings.  So it follows that to talk about our experiences of shame reduces its power. And when we do it consistently, our overall self esteem will be raised.

Counter-intuitive, right? People who don’t know this principal naturally want to try to hide their shame experiences, often afraid that if they feel shame, that another person will also see them as defective.

Au contraire. A way to defuse shame is to  simply express it, instead of further hiding or disguising it.

In “The Courage to Heal,” authors Laura Davis and Ellen Bass write that “one of the most powerful ways to overcome shame. . .   is to talk” about it.  “Shame exists in an environment of secrecy. When you begin to freely speak the truth about your life, your sense of shame will diminish.”

You just have to be mindful of which people are shaming people, and which aren’t. Then chose the safe ones to share the things you feel inferior about.

Using Voice Recognition Software: Challenging Panic Inducing Voices

Peace At Last

A client I will call “Joanne” * described how recognizing her inner voices has helped rid herself of panic attacks. Perhaps her recognition will inspire others to separate themselves from the shaming and suppressing voices that we all experience from time to time.

“When something GOOD happened, I used to get panicky. I used to think- or again- hear the voice that would say, ‘Something bad is going to happen now!’ Then I would freak out.

“Once I recognized that voice and could see it was not really ME, I could ask it, ‘What makes you say that?’ Or ‘What do you think is going to happen? Death, famine? What?’ The voice was then stumped and I could see that it didn’t really know about something awful about to happen. it was not an omniscient being.  It didn’t even make any sense. What a relief. I feel so grateful.”

So my hope is that we all continue to upgrade our voice recognition software.

* Therapists change the name and other identifying information so that a client’s confidentiality can be maintained

How Well Is Your Voice Recognition Software Working–Your Personal, Internal, Kind?

I just finished a session with a client I will call “Joanne.”* She has upgraded her internal voice recognition software and that has changed her life.

She wants to start her own business, and previously has felt too scared to leave her day job. Her work on herself is an example of what we can all do when we gain awareness and understanding of the internal voices that we all have.

Joanne says, “I am so happy about how I have changed. I don’t succumb to the voice in my head that says, whenever I think about starting my business, ‘Who do you think you are.’ I now see that the voice is my mother’s– NOT MINE. I even see her expressionless face as she says it. I can also hear my father’s kinder, but still suppressive voice, ‘You’re getting a little bit too big for your britches.’

“Before, I would get panicky when I heard those voices. I thought that I was the one thinking those thoughts- and I believed them. Now I can hear one of them say, “You need to go sit in the corner now.” I was panicking then because I knew on some level that I was being abandoned when I was excited and hopeful and feeling powerful. And I was being asked to not be who I was. I was also panicking recently because I soooo much want to start my business, and I know now that when I sit in a corner metaphorically, I am killing my spirit. But now that I know those voices are not ME I know that I can just notice them and go on doing what I think is right.

“ Wow. I feel so real and I feel so much power. I don’t think I’m crazy anymore for what I want. I can go for it!”

Recognizing and managing our self-diminishing inner voices makes so much possible for us. I wish that for everyone!

*therapists hide the names & other identifying characteristics of clients to protect their confidentiality

Stepping Out of Feeling/Shame Binds

Did you play cowboys & Indians or cops & robbers games when you were a kid? The kids in my neighborhood did. Somebody was always the “Loser” who then got his/her hands or feet tied up,” with great gusto by the “Winner.”

The binding by the rope is intended to cause partial paralysis, and a feeling of helplessness. That’s the way shame binds work. Shame makes us feel not only defective, but inhibited. Bound up inside and unable to move forward.

We can experience this bind which can prevent us from acting upon, or expressing:

• Feelings (anger, love, fear, joy, sadness, etc.)
• Drives (hunger, thirst, intimacy)
• Needs (Including: survival, safety, touching, attention, validation, guidance, listening, being authentic, participating, acceptance-belonging, growing through grieving, support, loyalty & trust, accomplishment, creativity, making a contribution, sexuality, fun, freedom, nurturing, unconditional love)

A common feeling/shame bind can occur when an authority figure hurts our feelings. We may understandably feel anger-which quickly changes or is covered over by feeling shame. Then too, we may become afraid and confused. All of these feelings swirling around may make us feel overwhelmed and we may think we are losing control, so we quickly try to suppress the feelings. The suppression then makes us numb.

We may become dysfunctional while this is happening and for several minutes afterward. Then we may become further shamed by feeling so dysfunctional. Even worse it’s in front of the other person.

Here is one 40 year old computer programmer’s description of her process.

“Last week I went to visit my father and within 5 minutes of arriving he started joking about my job. “Here’s the Big Shot Geek Squad.” I felt confused, anxious, angry and helpless- as if I were 5 years old! I hung my head and went numb and wanted to go to my old room to get away. How hatefully familiar that all felt!

“Thankfully, I was able to use what I’ve been learning here. Number one, I was able to observe what was happening. Then, I started taking slow deep breaths, the way we have practiced, to calm and clear up the confusion. Then I stood up and moved around the den. The simple act of moving- not allowing myself to be bound physically really helped. I went for my purse and dug out my car keys, reminding myself that I don’t have to stay in his presence. I’m big now. I can get away- something I couldn’t do when I was 5.

“Next time, if he- when he- does the same thing, I’ll set limits with him. I’ll tell him, “I don’t like it when you joke about my career that way, and if you keep doing it, I won’t visit you anymore.” Boy, does that feel powerful!”

To summarize the steps she took to break out of the bind:

• She observed what was happening, both his behavior, and her feelings
• She practiced controlled breathing
• She moved around the room
• She comforted herself with self-talk that reminded her that she could get away now- with a concrete physical object
• She started setting boundaries on his behavior

You don’t have to stay stuck in the shame quagmire. It takes work, but Freedom is available.

Another Great Text About Shame

Kaufman is one of the ‘Kings” of modern shame theory. This text focuses on the treatment of shame issues.

Kaufman, G., and Raphael, L. (1991). Dynamics of Power: Fighting Shame and Building Self-Esteem. Second Edition. Rochester, VT: Schenkman Books.

Notes from “How To Improve YOur Marriage” by Pat Love & Steven Stosny

Written February 7

If you hurt your partner when s/he is already hurting, it will just throw gasoline on to the fire. Before you start to deal with the content around the hurt – what specifically is triggering the fear or shame – you must find a nonverbal way to connect. It has to be nonverbal because when afraid or shamed, the blood drains from the language center of the brain, the neocortex.Examples of ways to connect non verbally (the ways must be sincere, mutually agreed on and work for both of you): An offer of cold drink/ a small gift , helping out.

To assess your own behavior, ask your self:
 Are my actions moving us toward connection or away from it?

 Are my actions consistent with my core values? (The most important thing about myself)
 
 Is my motivation to approach, avoid, or attack?

 How can I help him with his shame/ her with her fear