Catch 22: Shame and Inner Child Work

How do you treat your Self when you are tired, sick, hurt, sad, discouraged, or depleted? How do you treat yourself when you are excited or in the midst of creating? Whether you are kind or mean to yourself says volumes. A big part of raising self esteem has to do with how we treat our Self when we are vulnerable, exuberant, or in a creative state. These are the states of our Inner Child.

So much healing can occur when we learn how to treat those child states within us. Yet, so many people are “turned off” or find it “ridiculous” at the mere idea of  Inner Child comforting. That is a reflection of the belief they internalized- that vulnerable parts of us are “weak.”  So the very thing that would help to heal shame, Inner Child work,  is spurned because it is considered weak.

Did You Realize That Discouragement Is Shame?

Discouragement is shame about temporary defeat. Defeat or failure activates shame for many people. People in the “helping” professions and partners of addicts are often vulnerable to shame when the “helped” other is discouraged about their progress, or in the case of the addict, is discouraged by a relapse.

The challenge is to be able to accept inevitable limitations inherent in working with others, and to accept them without feeling less because of the limitations. After all, we do not have the power to effect change in another. The other person is the only one with the power to do that. The self quality to be strengthened is self-acceptance.

In order to re-balance or right ourselves, we first need to recognize and manage our shame reactions. We need to know:

• What shame feels like inside
• What activities trigger the shame response
• Our responses to our shame experiences:
• Secondary affects
• Constructed thoughts or images
• Retrieved memories
• Perceptions, and
• Specific behaviors we engage in-i.e., withdrawal, blame

The more we learn about our own patterns, the more “helpful” we can be.