How Well Is Your Voice Recognition Software Working–Your Personal, Internal, Kind?

I just finished a session with a client I will call “Joanne.”* She has upgraded her internal voice recognition software and that has changed her life.

She wants to start her own business, and previously has felt too scared to leave her day job. Her work on herself is an example of what we can all do when we gain awareness and understanding of the internal voices that we all have.

Joanne says, “I am so happy about how I have changed. I don’t succumb to the voice in my head that says, whenever I think about starting my business, ‘Who do you think you are.’ I now see that the voice is my mother’s– NOT MINE. I even see her expressionless face as she says it. I can also hear my father’s kinder, but still suppressive voice, ‘You’re getting a little bit too big for your britches.’

“Before, I would get panicky when I heard those voices. I thought that I was the one thinking those thoughts- and I believed them. Now I can hear one of them say, “You need to go sit in the corner now.” I was panicking then because I knew on some level that I was being abandoned when I was excited and hopeful and feeling powerful. And I was being asked to not be who I was. I was also panicking recently because I soooo much want to start my business, and I know now that when I sit in a corner metaphorically, I am killing my spirit. But now that I know those voices are not ME I know that I can just notice them and go on doing what I think is right.

“ Wow. I feel so real and I feel so much power. I don’t think I’m crazy anymore for what I want. I can go for it!”

Recognizing and managing our self-diminishing inner voices makes so much possible for us. I wish that for everyone!

*therapists hide the names & other identifying characteristics of clients to protect their confidentiality

Stepping Out of Feeling/Shame Binds

Did you play cowboys & Indians or cops & robbers games when you were a kid? The kids in my neighborhood did. Somebody was always the “Loser” who then got his/her hands or feet tied up,” with great gusto by the “Winner.”

The binding by the rope is intended to cause partial paralysis, and a feeling of helplessness. That’s the way shame binds work. Shame makes us feel not only defective, but inhibited. Bound up inside and unable to move forward.

We can experience this bind which can prevent us from acting upon, or expressing:

• Feelings (anger, love, fear, joy, sadness, etc.)
• Drives (hunger, thirst, intimacy)
• Needs (Including: survival, safety, touching, attention, validation, guidance, listening, being authentic, participating, acceptance-belonging, growing through grieving, support, loyalty & trust, accomplishment, creativity, making a contribution, sexuality, fun, freedom, nurturing, unconditional love)

A common feeling/shame bind can occur when an authority figure hurts our feelings. We may understandably feel anger-which quickly changes or is covered over by feeling shame. Then too, we may become afraid and confused. All of these feelings swirling around may make us feel overwhelmed and we may think we are losing control, so we quickly try to suppress the feelings. The suppression then makes us numb.

We may become dysfunctional while this is happening and for several minutes afterward. Then we may become further shamed by feeling so dysfunctional. Even worse it’s in front of the other person.

Here is one 40 year old computer programmer’s description of her process.

“Last week I went to visit my father and within 5 minutes of arriving he started joking about my job. “Here’s the Big Shot Geek Squad.” I felt confused, anxious, angry and helpless- as if I were 5 years old! I hung my head and went numb and wanted to go to my old room to get away. How hatefully familiar that all felt!

“Thankfully, I was able to use what I’ve been learning here. Number one, I was able to observe what was happening. Then, I started taking slow deep breaths, the way we have practiced, to calm and clear up the confusion. Then I stood up and moved around the den. The simple act of moving- not allowing myself to be bound physically really helped. I went for my purse and dug out my car keys, reminding myself that I don’t have to stay in his presence. I’m big now. I can get away- something I couldn’t do when I was 5.

“Next time, if he- when he- does the same thing, I’ll set limits with him. I’ll tell him, “I don’t like it when you joke about my career that way, and if you keep doing it, I won’t visit you anymore.” Boy, does that feel powerful!”

To summarize the steps she took to break out of the bind:

• She observed what was happening, both his behavior, and her feelings
• She practiced controlled breathing
• She moved around the room
• She comforted herself with self-talk that reminded her that she could get away now- with a concrete physical object
• She started setting boundaries on his behavior

You don’t have to stay stuck in the shame quagmire. It takes work, but Freedom is available.