Discouragement is shame about temporary defeat. Defeat or failure activates shame for many people. People in the “helping” professions and partners of addicts are often vulnerable to shame when the “helped” other is discouraged about their progress, or in the case of the addict, is discouraged by a relapse.
The challenge is to be able to accept inevitable limitations inherent in working with others, and to accept them without feeling less because of the limitations. After all, we do not have the power to effect change in another. The other person is the only one with the power to do that. The self quality to be strengthened is self-acceptance.
In order to re-balance or right ourselves, we first need to recognize and manage our shame reactions. We need to know:
- What shame feels like inside
- What activities trigger the shame response
- Our responses to our shame experiences:
- Secondary affects
- Constructed thoughts or images
- Retrieved memories
- Perceptions, and
- Specific behaviors we engage in-i.e., withdrawal, blame
The more we learn about our own patterns, the more “helpful” we can be.
