One of the Ugliest Words in the English Language

What would the worst words in our language be for you? Swear words? Name calling words? For me one of the ugliest words is “should.” I think it’s ugly because the implied criticism is a sneaky spirit dimmer.

It’s sneaky because people usually think they are trying to be good by ‘shoulding’ themselves (or others). But they are actually hurting themselves (or others).

How are we hurting ourselves? Whenever we use the word ‘should’ we are basically saying that what we are being, doing or having is wrong. We should have in the past. So we were wrong. Or we should now. So we are wrong now. Or we should in the future. So we will be wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Always wrong. We are shaming ourselves. And that’s the spirit dimming.

One thing to do to stop shaming ourselves

So what can we do? I like to change the ‘should’ to “could.” For example, Instead of thinking I ‘should’ return the book to the library today, I ‘could’ return the book to the library today. Or I ‘could’ wait until tomorrow and pay the fine.

Just now when I let go of my ‘should,’ I could begin to think more creatively. I realize other ways I could get the book there. I ‘could’ ask my son to take it in with his returns today, or I ‘could’ call the library and renew it. I didn’t even think of other ways to get the book to he library until I released myself from the creativity freeze of my ‘should.’

When we think in ‘coulds’ we experience more fully our power of choice. We are the boss of our choices. We do not have to obey some edict given to us by others. We can determine our own values and priorities.

A ‘should’ releasing exercise

Here are some steps to take to release constricting should messages.

• Make a list of 3 things you consistently tell yourself you should do.
• Ask yourself how effective it has been in getting yourself to do those things.
• Now change the ‘should’ for each item into a could.
• Now ask yourself what has made you not do what you thought you should. Was it that you never wanted to do it in the first place? Was it that was somebody else’s idea, and not freely chosen by you? What else?
• Ask yourself what you notice now. Write your insights down s that you can jog your memory later.

I hope this gives you a sense of freedom and creativity so that you can make choices that support you, not dim your spirit.

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Help For Stress In Times of Threatened Financial Security: Or When Life Sucks, Suck Back Your Life

Suck Back Your Power

We all need to feel as if we can predict and control our lives. So when something unpredictable or uncontrollable occurs, such as the threat of joblessness or stock market loses, we can feel powerless. Then the mere state of feeling powerless can trigger all the so-called “negative” affects (shame, distress, fear, anger, disgust, dissmell). And we can freak out.

Our society, and in fact all societies, mandate that we suppress, or at the very least, don’t show many of those “negative” emotional states. But what happens to the emotional energy when we suppress our emotions? The suppression causes a kind of emotional and physiological back-up. That back-up we call “stress.”

What can we do?

The first step is to acknowledge your real feelings. Don’t hide in the generality of “I’m stressed out.” One way to recognize the state of experienced powerlessness is when you are feeling intense rage. You can say to yourself, or another person, “I feel so helpless and I’m furious at feeling that way!”

The next step is to observe the situation and determine in what ways you can take your power back. We do have power over how we react to any of life’s scary events and states.

One way to regain power is to realize the things over which we do not have power. You can’t make someone hire you. You cannot make someone love you. You cannot make the Dow Jones Industrial Average go up. Focusing on the areas in which you do have power is restorative.

To take back your power involves  setting realistic expectations. If you are looking for a job, know that it most likely will not happen overnight. It may take months. Don’t demand something impossible of yourself.

Another way to regain your inner power is to make sure you separate yourself and disengage from any belief  (if you have it) that these life events mean that YOU are inadequate. Even if someone else is so threatened that they are blaming you, you can over time,  learn that YOU are not your job or your earning capacity. You can learn not to take inside and believe the evaluations, criticisms and rejections from others.

I don’t dismiss the pain, even anguish, that you may go through on the way to developing the skill of detaching your self- worth from external circumstances. But developing that ability may be an enourmous gift that later you will say was well worth the initial “stress.”

Self-Esteem Building: Do You Notice Your Adequacies or Your So-Called Inadequacies More? http://ff.im/1mr5g

Self-Esteem Building: Do You Notice Your Adequacies or Your So-Called Inadequacies More?

Gift Yourself

I like to give clients homeplay of writing down every day, and reviewing at the end of the day at least 5 ways they showed adequacy or competency. While doing this homeplay  is an immediate  self confidence raiser for some, many find it difficult to do at first.

Some of the common difficulties are expressed in the following objections people have to doing the homework. “I won’t give myself credit until my whole book is finished. Each finished chapter doesn’t count.” Another self-discounter is, “It’s no big deal. I do it every day, so how’s that an accomplishment.” Yet another way of robbing the Self is holding to the belief, “If I pat myself on the back, I may not continue working.”

The people who think this way are withholding from themselves an important tool for self-esteem: a focus on what is good and competent about themselves.

When we pay more attention to what we have accomplished rather than what we have not accomplished, we are gifting ourselves. We receive pride in the Self, more assertiveness and feeling more worthy and competent.

Are You Setting Yourself Up for Disappointment or Happiness?

Self-esteem requires clarity

I had a friend who would go to Target when she was feeling low. She’d just go around piling things into her cart as the impulse hit her. But by the time she reached the check out counter, she was so disappointed in her items, that she would turn her cart around and put them all back. She left he store even more depressed than before.

What was happening?

What I call The Matching Principle was operating. That Matching Principle is that we all experience happiness more when what we expect matches what we get.

Matching expectations requires 2 essential things. The first is that we KNOW what we are looking for, what we want or need. So we have to consciously work that out. Think about how many times you might have entered a relationship without being clear about your needs, and then realized that they were not being met. You thought you could do without—you fill in the blank. Then you realized you were wasting your time.

The second essential thing to match expectations is to be able to look clearly at your situation, relationship, job or activities and see whether they will be ABLE realistically to fulfill what we need.

To illustrate that point, I’ll tell you about another friend who was broken hearted at a relationship that “he” had suddenly quit. She decided to help herself work through her pain by making a video diary entry. As she spoke to the camera about what she wanted from a partner– that he be reliable, committed, and self-supporting, she suddenly burst out laughing. She realized that her ex-partner was none of those things.

So getting clear bout what you want, and getting clear about the likelihood of whether what you are doing is likely to match what you expect are important skills for happiness.

How is this related to shame? Another way of describing a trigger for shame is the statement: The bigger the gap between the ideal and the real, the more shame is triggered.