How Are We Supossed to Know?

One source of the “not-good-enoughitis” that I see people wrestling with every day is based upon the belief that they are or were “supposed ” to know something that they didn’t know. Even though they were never taught.

Somehow we think we are supposed to know how to build and maintain healthy relationships. Though we are not taught how.

Somehow we think we are supposed to know how to build feelings of adequacy and competency. Though we are never taught how.

Somehow we think we are supposed to know how to build a satisfying relationship with ourselves. We are never taught how.

If we could approach life with the zest of a curious toddler, not expecting ourselves to know what we cannot already know, we’d be a lot kinder to ourselves. I’m for that: Self-kindness.

How to Build And Keep Positive Self-esteem

There are 9 general steps we must take to build and keep positive self-esteem. These steps are:

1. Learn to understand how shame works
2. Learn to tolerate the feeling of shame better without taking it in-internalizing it
3. Overcome or counteract the external sources of shame
4. Reverse our internal patterns of shaming ourselves
5. Make conscious and dissolve internalized shame binds
6. Re-own all disowned parts of ourselves
7. Create a new self-affirming voice to replace the old shaming voices
8. Gain conscious access to the full range of our feelings, drives and needs
9. Know how to build and maintain relationships based upon equal power

Shame Activators

What  triggers our feelings of shame? For  all of us, any time we feel blocked from continuing to express positive feelings. For example: Let’s say we’re exuberant and twirl around the room and we perceive a scornful glance from a loved one that seems to say, “What’s the matter with you?” or a parent says, “Calm down.”

Another activator of shame is anytime we have a basic positive expectation that is thwarted. You walk into a room and see a friend and smile hello and there is no smile returned. Or you give a gift and there is no “thank you.”

Disappointment activates shame.

Any thing that breaks an interpersonal bond will activate shame. Breakups, divorces, and being stood up for a date, are dramatic examples. But in tiny ways, if we feel more excited to see someone than they seem to be a seeing us, we will probably experience shame.

When we have learned over time that our needs are ‘wrong” we will feel shame when we experience need.