“How could you do that to me?!”

“How could you do that to me!?” I heard that phrase, I mean really heard it, when I called my mother to tell her that I had decided to get a divorce from my doctor husband of 10 years.

I had received enough empathic responsiveness from therapy by then to know that her response was ever so self-centered (in the ‘bad’ sense). No concern for what I was going through, or how it would impact my children, or even my later-to-be my ex-husband for that matter.

I had known in my guts, thought not yet in my head, that any ‘problem’ that her offspring had would be experienced by her as a betrayal- as treason, even. I knew not to expect any compassion. She needed the status of having a doctor son-in-law to help her with her own shame and disappointment at not becoming an MD herself.

Now, of course, it’s very funny to me; it’s so outrageous. But what about the other people who still have to live with the daily disconnect of being seen as an extensions of another.Being seen as not existing as a separate self with individual preferences, individual feelings, opinions, needs.

W ell, maybe I can help some. I know what it’s like.

Getting Clear: Recognizing Confused Submission & Loss of Identity

It often occurs in family shame patterns, that the child is required to adapt the views of the parent. In this unfortunate dynamic, the parent feels attacked if the child disagrees with the parental viewpoint, and either attacks the child, or withdraws. Either caretaker behavior is intolerable to the child who needs to feel safely connected. So the child submits to the parental viewpoint to keep the sense of connection.

The growing person learns to dismiss his/her own point of view and feels out of contact with him/herself, foggy, and confused, never knowing what is happening or why. This mental paralysis may then be used by the caretaker to expand his or her control.

For some people, submitting to another’s viewpoint occurs only in the presence of the parent. For others the submission is more comprehensive and continues both in relation to the pressures of the real parent and to the negative inner parent.

Waking up to this dynamic is the first step to clearing the fog.

The Birth of A ‘People Pleaser’

Some very vulnerable people, people who have an intolerably low self opinion, inflate their importance. They need to think they are always right, always better than others, always grand and glorious. Perfect. And seen that way by everyone else.

They are so filled with self doubt and fear of external criticism, that they need people to applaud them to dispel the fears. Their life is organized to deny negative feelings about themselves and keep a view of themselves as superior. While I hate using labels, ‘narcissist’ is the name attached to the Perfect Ones.

Others have no other option than to fill a supporting role- if, that is, they want to get along with them.

So imagine another person in relationship with them. If there is a difference of opinion, the other person is wrong, because the narcissist is right. This person can only be accepted when they agree.

The children of the narcissists usually become compliant ‘people-pleasers’ in order to maintain a connection with the parent. They have lost touch with their Real Selves. They may feel less than nothing, since they have to “be” certain ways to earn the parent’s love. This process of having to earn the love is Conditional love. The lack of unconditional love fosters people with shame- the sense of being not good enough, of having no real substance or worth.

Recognizing Slippery Shame

Shame is a universal emotion, felt by all human beings. That’s partly because we can never live up to the perfection and ideals of our boundless imagination. And partly because we can never control when someone else will reject us or disapprove of us.

The amount and degree of shame we feel can differ. We can feel shame rarely or live locked in a cage of shame. And most people who are “shame-based” don’t even know it.

How ironic that many of us do not recognize the emotion we were born hardwired to feel. While we can recognize the feeling of being ‘inadequate’ or ‘not good enough’ we may not recognize it when shame shows up in disguise. The disguise may be indifference, depression, confusion, rage you know is way out of proportion, an overwhelming need to control, numbness, panic, the need to run, flightiness: these are some of the faces of shame.

Shame That Inhibits Completions

Shaming another is an attempt to inhibit and control them. When one person (A) tries to shame another (B) it is to prevent or stop B from doing something that would cause A embarrassment, worry, envy, or some other unpleasant emotion.

Often the shaming is vicious but it may also be vague and therefore difficult to argue against. The shaming may be so subtle, that it is unrecognizable to a stranger: To a son wearing shorts: “I didn’t know you could wear shorts in this weather.” The shaming may be blatant: “Who do you think you are, Stupid!” It may be in-between: “I don’t know why you would want to do such a thing.”  

Many creative people come from a home in which their legitimate needs for recognition are dishonored and shamed routinely.  And usually in these families any form of need was dismissed. The young one may have been made to feel ridiculous for believing in him/herself, thinking him/herself to be talented, smart, and capable of success. For these people, putting anything out for attention becomes a dangerous act.

So when the person starts a project, it may go well in the beginning and middle phases, but when the project nears completion, the original idea suddenly seems unimportant. It’s importance is dismissed, echoing the previous dismissal by the caretaker. Feeling inadequate and anticipating being humiliated for the very act of needing, expressing, and expecting good things, it’s no wonder that many do not finish their dreamed-of projects. Or even worse, they may forget that they have dreamed-of projects. 

The lesson for these talented ones is to learn where and when to share vulnerable artistic projects and to learn from whom to seek out constructive criticism.