Our ‘Particular Genius’

I just found one of my favorite quotations and note how it relates to freedom from shame. It’s in “The Artist’s Way”, by Julia Cameron. Not surprising: it’s in the chapter titled “Recovering A Sense of Power.”

Shaki Gwain writes:

We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own or to other peoples’ models, learn to be ourselves, and allow our natural channel to open.

One of the sources of shame is having (usually an unrealistic) ideal image of our perfect (ha!) self and comparing our real, authentic self to that pristine ideal.

Of course “comparisons are odious.”  That principle has been known for so long that by the time Shakespeare wrote “Much Ado About Nothing” (1598/99), he gives Dogberry the line ‘comparisons are odorous.’ Shakespeare seems to be ironic, knowing ‘odorous’ to be a misuse of what would have been a well known phrase then.

National Survey Shows 85% of Us Need Freedom From Shame

Only 15% of the USA population said that they felt that their self esteem was as high as they’d like it to be. So 85% of us wish for more self esteem. Which is to say that they, too, want FREEDOM from shame.

It has always been remarkable to me the answers I get when I ask a prospective new client,”What are your strengths?” I get two most frequent replies. The first is a solemn face, a blink, and a look of being positively stumped. The second is. “I just can’t think of any right now.”

The Single Most Important Thing To Do:

Pat Love & Steven Stosny say, “developing the ability to experience the world through your partner’s eyes, while holding on to your perspective, may be the single most important skill in intimate relationships. A prerequisite to listening is feeling safe”(p.26).

And you don’t feel safe when the threat of fear or shame is hanging over your head.

Mis-information About Shame

I ‘d like to talk with you about the possibility of Freedom from Shame. Although every body experiences shame, until the last 20 years or so, we have been culturally ignorant about shame. And I see both rampant misinformation and lack of information about shame.

Misinformation about shame: First of all I need to clear up a common misconception about shame.  Often when people think of shame, they think it means that they have actually done some thing “shameful.” A parent’s scornful, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself,.” May ring in one’s ears. I’m not talking about that.  When I talk about shame,  I’m not talking about the persons’ actually DOING anything wrong. I’m talking about the feeling that we have of being somehow wrong, defective, inadequate, unlovable and unworthy. 

Lack of information about shame: We didn’t know it until fairly recently, but even infants are born with the ability to experience shame. Imagine a scene: baby is sitting on the kitchen counter in his infant seat. Mom is out of the room for a minute. She starts walking back into the room, and as baby hears her steps, he anticipates making eye contact with her when she comes back. Mom is preoccupied, so when she comes back in the room, she does not meet his eyes. The muscles in his neck get loose & his head drops down, he turns his face away from her, and he may even drool. This is shame/humiliation. Mom did not meet his interest, she did not make the connection, and shame is the result. Everybody feels shame but most of us don’t realize it.

Now you’ve probably heard the phrase, “What you feel, you can heal.” And it follows that if you can’t feel it,  you can’t heal it. So even though everybody experiences shame/humiliation, we are not skilled in recognizing and dealing with it.

Cure for Shame: Validation

Written February 15, 2008 

I lay on the purple velvet couch in the euthanasia room. Soft new age music wafted out of the tiny boom box on the floor. A water fountain burbled on the altar before me, next to clusters of aromatic oil bottles nestled on a tray. And on my stomach I held my beloved cat of 18 years, “Punky” (short for Pumpkin). He was suffering from the end stages of kitty diabetes. His right front leg was taped, holding in the needles for the fluids which would follow.

I had gone in earlier to be able to spend time with Punky before our 5 pm “appointment” with the veterinarian. My eyes were filled with tears, making it hard to see into his eyes as I pet him. But I did not want to move my hands away from stroking his now boney body which was shutting down, cooling right before me.

At five, Doctor Schwartz entered gravely and started talking. Blah, blah, blah…(medical stuff about Punky’s compromised  liver), blah, blah, blah (that I could have given him appetite stimulants, but they had bad side effects), blah, blah, blah (that he was 18 years already, a good  life time for a cat). At this, I can begin to listen. “If you asked me what I’d do if he were my own cat, I’d say that this is a good option. I know you’ve been devoted to him. You are not killing him; you’re preserving the end quality of his life.” At such a time, his kindness was a great gift. He was validating me and my choice to have Punky put to sleep.

That validation has helped me through the few days since then. It reminds me of how important it can be when we are in pain to know that another person thinks that we and our actions make sense.

Recieving validation is the opposite of recieving another’s contempt. A loved one’s contempt often provokes either straight out feelings of inadequacy -shame. Or we can jump to the anger which can feel like a more powerful choice in response to the other’s contempt.

Validation of another is a gift to them. And I am appreciating my gift.

New Research About Fighting

Written February 12, 2008 

“A good fight with your spouse could be good for the health”, a newly published study of 192 US couples who were observed over a period of 17 years has found says The Associated Foreign Press (Jan 23, 2008).

When at least one partner stands up for themselves, the death rate decreases to half the rate of couples in which no one stands up for themselves.

So freeing one’s self from the inhibiting/hiding/and sometimes paralyzing effects of shame can save your very life – not just the quality of your life.

Some More Books On Shame Recovery

Morrison, Andrew, 1989, Shame: The Underside of NarcissimNathanson, Donald, 1992, Shame and Pride: Afefct, Sex, And The Birth of the Self

Nichols, Michael, 1991, No Place To Hide: Facing Shame So We Can Find Self Respect

Potter-Efron, R & Potter-Efron,P., 1999, Letting Go Of Shame

Sedgwick, E. & Frank, A., 1995, Shame And Its Sisters: A Silvan Tompkins Reader

Some Books About Shame Recovery

Bradshaw, John, 1988, Healing The Shame That BindsKaufman, Gershen, 1992, Shame: The Power of Caring

Lansky, M. & Morrison, A. (Editors), 1997, The Widening Scope of Shame

Middleton-Moz, J., 1990, Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise

Gender Differences With Shame and Fear

Girl babies experience more fear and physical pain than boy babies.

Boys, however,  have heightened sensitivity to trigger responses at sudden stimulation. In the nursery boy babies had 5x more startle responses than females. They also had the emotional pain amplifying cortisol (stress hormone) dump that goes with negative emotions. This cortisol makes their discomfort last longer.

Notes from “How To Improve YOur Marriage” by Pat Love & Steven Stosny

Written February 7

If you hurt your partner when s/he is already hurting, it will just throw gasoline on to the fire. Before you start to deal with the content around the hurt – what specifically is triggering the fear or shame – you must find a nonverbal way to connect. It has to be nonverbal because when afraid or shamed, the blood drains from the language center of the brain, the neocortex.Examples of ways to connect non verbally (the ways must be sincere, mutually agreed on and work for both of you): An offer of cold drink/ a small gift , helping out.

To assess your own behavior, ask your self:
 Are my actions moving us toward connection or away from it?

 Are my actions consistent with my core values? (The most important thing about myself)
 
 Is my motivation to approach, avoid, or attack?

 How can I help him with his shame/ her with her fear

Viagra Pride

Written February 5, 2008 

I appreciate the quality of kindness.  One way of showing kindness is to speak mindfully so as not to shame another.

I love how the ads for Viagra seem sensitive to this. The ads frame Viagra as being right only for men “who are HEALTHY ENOUGH for sexual activity.” So if a man uses Viagra, it means he’s healthy.

This wording address the tendency of many men to feel shame at needing help – particularly about their very manhood.

I vote for wives, girlfriends & lovers to be at least as considerate!

Welcome

Welcome! I hope you will add posts and comments about what you have experienced with shame and what you have learned about how to recognize it, talk to yourself about it, soothe yourself through it…and anything else about it.