One of the ways to contact your Inner Shaming voices is to try to do something you have never done before, or to try to make something original.
Self Doubt can increase as we expand. So it’s terribly important to keep being in charge of who is talking to you inside your head.
We need to recognize the inner critic and how it tries to suppress our creativity and productivity. It can show up as a voice in your head, or a feeling that communicates, “I’m too old, too young, too poor, too rich to deserve, too unoriginal, too original to be understood, too hyper, too exhausted, too isolated, too connected with family & friends, too untrained, too squashed by previous training,” yada yada yada. It let’s you feel too little or too much. And certainly not worthy or able to make art.
The Critical Parent has no eyes, so can’t really see the real person in front of him/her. His/her head is filled with judgments (3 little figures) about what “woulda, coulda, shoulda” be happening. The mouth spits out ugly venomous statements. When he/she is talking to you, you get to feel “not good enough” and “too much.”
Whenever I facilitate groups, I make sure I have done the homework myself. This is moi, going on an Artist’s Date with myself. (The dates are designed to do by oneself.)
I had such a great time!
For a flier describing the particulars, click on the following link:
When we talk, we have to access the word-based “thinking” part of our brain.That in itself helps down regulate (reduce) our distressing feelings. Shame is one of those painful feelings. So it follows that to talk about our experiences of shame reduces its power. And when we do it consistently, our overall self esteem will be raised.
Counter-intuitive, right? People who don’t know this principal naturally want to try to hide their shame experiences, often afraid that if they feel shame, that another person will also see them as defective.
Au contraire. A way to defuse shame is to simply express it, instead of further hiding or disguising it.
In “The Courage to Heal,” authors Laura Davis and Ellen Bass write that “one of the most powerful ways to overcome shame. . . is to talk” about it. “Shame exists in an environment of secrecy. When you begin to freely speak the truth about your life, your sense of shame will diminish.”
You just have to be mindful of which people are shaming people, and which aren’t. Then chose the safe ones to share the things you feel inferior about.
This is adapted from a scientific paper originally written by researchers, Jessica L. Tracy and David Matsumoto.
“Shame is recognized across cultures from a simple head tilt downward but the full shame display may include slumped shoulders and narrowed chest—behaviors similar to the ‘‘cringing’’ and lowered posture associated with submission in a range of animal species including chimpanzees, macaques, baboons, rats, rabbits, crayfish, wolves, elephants, seals, and salamanders.
These findings raise the possibility that pride and shame behavioral responses may be human universals, evolved to serve unique adaptive functions. Given that pride occurs in response to success, its nonverbal expression may function to signal an individual’s success to others, thereby boosting status.
The expanded posture and outstretched arms associated with pride may have originated as a way of appearing larger, allowing for the assertion of dominance and attracting attention.
Similarly, although displaying behaviors associated with shame or submission requires individuals to place themselves physically beneath adversaries and thus within their control, doing so may indicate the reality of their submission.
This display likely originated as a way of conveying acceptance of an aggressor’s power, thereby removing the need for conflict and sparing resources. In humans, the ancient submission display may have been ritualized into a shame expression that also serves a secondary function: appeasing onlookers who observed the failure by nonverbally communicating an awareness of one’s transgression, the individual can maintain his/her reputation as a trusted group member who accepts social norms.”
Goethe wrote about crying, “It’s not the tears we cry that hurt us, but the one’s we struggle not to cry for they drip within our sad and weary hearts.”
“I don’t want to feel sorry for myself.” I so often hear clients tell me, when they are sad, discouraged or hurt. If they have sorrow for themselves, they will often next feel guilt or shame. Sometimes they will go on to have absolute contempt for themselves and call their sorrow for themselves having a “pity-party.”
When I ask them how they would feel if the same thing happened to a friend or a child who was hurt, sad, discouraged or distressed, there are two general responses. Some people would feel compassion for the friend or child, but would feel guilty for feeling compassion for themselves. Anything ‘selfish’ is bad for themselves. They apply kinder rules to others.
Other people would condemn the friend or child for feeling sorry. They judge the friend as selfish and negative. They also believe that acknowledging feelings “doesn’t do any good.” These people apply the same harsh rule to others that they apply to themselves.
So many limiting beliefs are embedded in the desire not to feel sorrow for oneself. Some of the beliefs may be:
1. It is “weak” to accept or have kind feelings towards a person not in a “powerful” state or feeling. “Vulnerability” is bad.
2. If one doesn’t condemn the vulnerable feelings, they will grow and grow. (The “Spare the rod, spoil the child” mentality.)
3. One may get “stuck” in the shameful feelings.
4. One will not be able to feel powerful again.
5. One is being “negative” and therefore “bad.”
But the irony is that anytime we condemn ourselves for how we are feeling, that is when we are weakening ourselves. The way to ‘strength’ is to validate ourselves for how we are feeling. The root of the word ‘validate’ means to strengthen. To in-validate is to weaken.
To validate ourselves, we need to let ourselves know that it makes sense to feel however we feel. We need to let ourselves know that we can understand ourselves. This may take as little as a few seconds.
THEN, and only then, can we work at shifting and improving our state of mind.
There are so many ways we can work at regulating and adjusting our feelings. But shaming ourselves for how we feel only makes it take longer. So I say, have compassion for yourself. By all means work towards joy and zest.
I believe that in the words of the song, “There’s A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” So when you are feeling sad, first feel sorry for yourself.
A client I will call “Joanne” * described how recognizing her inner voices has helped rid herself of panic attacks. Perhaps her recognition will inspire others to separate themselves from the shaming and suppressing voices that we all experience from time to time.
“When something GOOD happened, I used to get panicky. I used to think- or again- hear the voice that would say, ‘Something bad is going to happen now!’ Then I would freak out.
“Once I recognized that voice and could see it was not really ME, I could ask it, ‘What makes you say that?’ Or ‘What do you think is going to happen? Death, famine? What?’ The voice was then stumped and I could see that it didn’t really know about something awful about to happen. it was not an omniscient being. It didn’t even make any sense. What a relief. I feel so grateful.”
So my hope is that we all continue to upgrade our voice recognition software.
* Therapists change the name and other identifying information so that a client’s confidentiality can be maintained
I just finished a session with a client I will call “Joanne.”* She has upgraded her internal voice recognition software and that has changed her life.
She wants to start her own business, and previously has felt too scared to leave her day job. Her work on herself is an example of what we can all do when we gain awareness and understanding of the internal voices that we all have.
Joanne says, “I am so happy about how I have changed. I don’t succumb to the voice in my head that says, whenever I think about starting my business, ‘Who do you think you are.’ I now see that the voice is my mother’s– NOT MINE. I even see her expressionless face as she says it. I can also hear my father’s kinder, but still suppressive voice, ‘You’re getting a little bit too big for your britches.’
“Before, I would get panicky when I heard those voices. I thought that I was the one thinking those thoughts- and I believed them. Now I can hear one of them say, “You need to go sit in the corner now.” I was panicking then because I knew on some level that I was being abandoned when I was excited and hopeful and feeling powerful. And I was being asked to not be who I was. I was also panicking recently because I soooo much want to start my business, and I know now that when I sit in a corner metaphorically, I am killing my spirit. But now that I know those voices are not ME I know that I can just notice them and go on doing what I think is right.
“ Wow. I feel so real and I feel so much power. I don’t think I’m crazy anymore for what I want. I can go for it!”
Recognizing and managing our self-diminishing inner voices makes so much possible for us. I wish that for everyone!
*therapists hide the names & other identifying characteristics of clients to protect their confidentiality
Ever see a parent try to dress a 3 year old child in something s/he did not want to wear? I’ve seen that happen with much screaming, kicking and thrashing on the floor. By the child. Then, if the child persists in the power struggle, the parent may also feel like thrashing on the floor. The problem is the feeling of helplessness, impotence and perceived lack of power.
I saw another example of the effects of feeling powerless, when I saw a friend, an otherwise very sensible and thoughtful person, throw a tower computer across the room! What happened? He, a computer programmer and expert in his field, was frustrated at not being able to make a fix in a program. What was this about? His rage at feeling powerless.
Clearly the effects of feeling powerless can be harmful. We all NEED to have the power to control our bodies, to speak our thoughts and have them listened to, to go where we will, and to follow our own paths according to our inner direction. Interference with any of these power needs will cause distress and lowered self esteem–shame.
The opposite of powerless is the awareness that there is choice. The moment we recognize we have choice, we feel an increase in power. Even if it is only a choice of do you want to have your surgery before or after Easter? Even if it is only, Do I want to save, invest, or spend $100.
So I ask you, for today, what choices could you give yourself to empower yourself?
What would the worst words in our language be for you? Swear words? Name calling words? For me one of the ugliest words is “should.” I think it’s ugly because the implied criticism is a sneaky spirit dimmer.
It’s sneaky because people usually think they are trying to be good by ‘shoulding’ themselves (or others). But they are actually hurting themselves (or others).
How are we hurting ourselves? Whenever we use the word ‘should’ we are basically saying that what we are being, doing or having is wrong. We should have in the past. So we were wrong. Or we should now. So we are wrong now. Or we should in the future. So we will be wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Always wrong. We are shaming ourselves. And that’s the spirit dimming.
One thing to do to stop shaming ourselves
So what can we do? I like to change the ‘should’ to “could.” For example, Instead of thinking I ‘should’ return the book to the library today, I ‘could’ return the book to the library today. Or I ‘could’ wait until tomorrow and pay the fine.
Just now when I let go of my ‘should,’ I could begin to think more creatively. I realize other ways I could get the book there. I ‘could’ ask my son to take it in with his returns today, or I ‘could’ call the library and renew it. I didn’t even think of other ways to get the book to he library until I released myself from the creativity freeze of my ‘should.’
When we think in ‘coulds’ we experience more fully our power of choice. We are the boss of our choices. We do not have to obey some edict given to us by others. We can determine our own values and priorities.
A ‘should’ releasing exercise
Here are some steps to take to release constricting should messages.
• Make a list of 3 things you consistently tell yourself you should do.
• Ask yourself how effective it has been in getting yourself to do those things.
• Now change the ‘should’ for each item into a could.
• Now ask yourself what has made you not do what you thought you should. Was it that you never wanted to do it in the first place? Was it that was somebody else’s idea, and not freely chosen by you? What else?
• Ask yourself what you notice now. Write your insights down s that you can jog your memory later.
I hope this gives you a sense of freedom and creativity so that you can make choices that support you, not dim your spirit.
We all need to feel as if we can predict and control our lives. So when something unpredictable or uncontrollable occurs, such as the threat of joblessness or stock market loses, we can feel powerless. Then the mere state of feeling powerless can trigger all the so-called “negative” affects (shame, distress, fear, anger, disgust, dissmell). And we can freak out.
Our society, and in fact all societies, mandate that we suppress, or at the very least, don’t show many of those “negative” emotional states. But what happens to the emotional energy when we suppress our emotions? The suppression causes a kind of emotional and physiological back-up. That back-up we call “stress.”
What can we do?
The first step is to acknowledge your real feelings. Don’t hide in the generality of “I’m stressed out.” One way to recognize the state of experienced powerlessness is when you are feeling intense rage. You can say to yourself, or another person, “I feel so helpless and I’m furious at feeling that way!”
The next step is to observe the situation and determine in what ways you can take your power back. We do have power over how we react to any of life’s scary events and states.
One way to regain power is to realize the things over which we do not have power. You can’t make someone hire you. You cannot make someone love you. You cannot make the Dow Jones Industrial Average go up. Focusing on the areas in which you do have power is restorative.
To take back your power involves setting realistic expectations. If you are looking for a job, know that it most likely will not happen overnight. It may take months. Don’t demand something impossible of yourself.
Another way to regain your inner power is to make sure you separate yourself and disengage from any belief (if you have it) that these life events mean that YOU are inadequate. Even if someone else is so threatened that they are blaming you, you can over time, learn that YOU are not your job or your earning capacity. You can learn not to take inside and believe the evaluations, criticisms and rejections from others.
I don’t dismiss the pain, even anguish, that you may go through on the way to developing the skill of detaching your self- worth from external circumstances. But developing that ability may be an enourmous gift that later you will say was well worth the initial “stress.”
I like to give clients homeplay of writing down every day, and reviewing at the end of the day at least 5 ways they showed adequacy or competency. While doing this homeplay is an immediate self confidence raiser for some, many find it difficult to do at first.
Some of the common difficulties are expressed in the following objections people have to doing the homework. “I won’t give myself credit until my whole book is finished. Each finished chapter doesn’t count.” Another self-discounter is, “It’s no big deal. I do it every day, so how’s that an accomplishment.” Yet another way of robbing the Self is holding to the belief, “If I pat myself on the back, I may not continue working.”
The people who think this way are withholding from themselves an important tool for self-esteem: a focus on what is good and competent about themselves.
When we pay more attention to what we have accomplished rather than what we have not accomplished, we are gifting ourselves. We receive pride in the Self, more assertiveness and feeling more worthy and competent.
I just finished a session with a client I will call “Joanne.”* She has upgraded her internal voice recognition software and that has changed her life.
What would the worst words in our language be for you? Swear words? Name calling words? For me one of the ugliest words is “should.” I think it’s ugly because the implied criticism is a sneaky spirit dimmer.
